Today the flame went out of my heart

Today the flame went out of my heart 😢

Have you ever loved someone so much only to discover it was not returned?  Seems like I have always lived in a make believe world where this happens to me quite often.  Most of my adult life I have felt like I was totally unaccepted.  Searching for the one man who thought I was pretty enough to be his number only.  Trying to be someone's priority.  I have always been the option.  Never finding this make believe man.  But in my head he was so real.  

Many very painful life experiences with men who saw that I had a good heart as well as wonderful intentions used me up and dumped me before I could put it together. I was a supporter of folks who had dreams and I would always encourage others and especially "my man."  How did that work for me?  It didn't.  I had gotten so used to being the option in every relationship, I began to not expect anything else.  I have had men that outright used me.  

Some guys pretended that they cared until I was hooked on them.  I had one guy who,  once again seemed like we would be together for a while hurt me worse than anyone before him.  He treated me nice.  We hung out.  We had so much fun. I asked him to keep it real with me and at first I thought he did.  Then he lied and he cheated.  And was angry because I caught him lying about cheating.  As bad as it hurt, he did not smother my flame.  Funny, he broke me, but he didn't put out my flame. I just was too old, crippled and much more.  He said things that would forever stay tattooed on my heart.  

I remember crying a lot cause I felt like shyt.   After the break up, we remained friends.  It was the craziest shyt in the world.  He would stop by and we would kick it, then he would call his woman and have lengthy conversations with her in my house in front of me.  After a couple of months my feelings had become so numb, I didn't care.  He didn't want me. He and I just enjoyed doing certain things together.  Intimacy was no longer on the table.  At the beginning because he told me he was not interested and later because the thought of him touching me in an intimate manner nauseated me.  We were good as friends though. He kept me company. He always brought me things and tried his best to be a good friend and he was.  We still hung out, but there was an emptiness in my heart and spirit where he broke me.  I pretended to him and everyone who asked me how I felt, and I always said good.  But truth be told, it was like being beat up every day. 

Don't tell me men are not creative.  They are very creative.  They pull you along until they got you believing the stories they tell.  I was so warped in my thinking that I thought I could smell deception a mile off.  Boy was I wrong.

When I was young, I met a man who was absolutely my heart.  This was the longest relationship I have ever had.  This man saw me through a lot.  We were good friends and we grew together.  In my life there has never been any man to care for or love me like this man.  He was super handsome.  He was genuine and had a heart of gold.  He seldom got angry with me.  We had the normal type disagreements and such, however, he was never disrepectful or hurtful to me.  I grew with this man in many ways.  Then one day I woke up and swallowed a stupid pill.  Yep. A stupid pill.  What happened next changed my entire life.  

 

You know how "girls" share things. I did that with a young lady that I believed was a friend. This friend encouraged me to break up with this nearly perfect man.  I say nearly perfect because like I said we had our fair share of disagreements, but never broke up until I listened to this so call friend tell me that I needed to experience life with another man before tying my life down with this great guy. When he walked out of my life, the burning flame in my heart weakened.

I met someone else who was verbally abusive almost from day one.  This ended after a couple of years and several beatings.  But this character never diminished my flame.  I simply stopped my feelings from showing.  I was glad when that last beating opened my eyes and I moved on.  During this fiasco of a relationship, I ran into a man who seemed to respect me and care about me. We became friends. He treated me nice but never pursued an intimate relationship with me because you see he was already with a young lady whom he loved dearly.  I loved him from the moment I met him, but never dared to say this to him because of his relationship.

This friendship would not develop into to a relationship until many years later.  In between those lost years were many broken hearted relationships with both of us.  I figured it was my punishment for taking a stupid pill way back and destroying a great relationship.  As time moved forward, this friend moved around and had his own share of life's ups and down.  When I met up with him again, well things just sort of picked up.  We started what I believed was a relationship.  What a joke.  Again, I was an option to this man.  One week we spent a lot of time together.  Doing like many couples do.  Going out. Bonding together. Making plans to be together and go places. I really thought I had been forgiven for taking that stupid pill that day long ago.

Sadly, love was still not meant for me and today the flame went out of my heart.  This time, I do not care to try anymore to keep it burning.  I just feel empty.  I kept asking myself, "What did I do wrong?"  He said he loved me.  He treated me like a Queen.  He opened doors. Lit my cigarettes. Held my hands. Hugged me. Cuddled with me. Danced with me. Sang to me.  Told me I was beautiful and I was his woman, his Queen. Told me he had a great week.  Made plans to be together.  Took me places I really enjoyed.  Said all kinds of special things to me.  I was finally believing I had that someone special who was a real person.  In my opinion this was a win, win.  He was my soulmate!  He returned to his side of the world. Ignored me. Hurt my feelings and stopped communicating.  I don't bounce back like I used to and today the flame went out of my heart by him, my soulmate.

I know that I set myself up to have this happen so I am not angry or bitter with my friend.  He saw the thirst in my spirit and did what every man except my first man has done.  He finished using me and returned to the woman or women he desires to be with.  I just know that the flame is out and I am to scared to try again. He's handsome, talented and has a certain je ne sais quoi! I should have known he was not really interested in me like he said.  I was still wandering in the land of make believe when he came back in my life.  Today the flame went out of my heart.  It's okay my former king. I hold no animosity for you.  You can have your pick of women.  It was just crazy on my part when I thought all those lovely things you were doing were sincere.

You have taken this journey through parts of my life.  What you need to know is that all this time, I was looking for love in all the wrong places.  Okay, get ready for this... I should have turned to Jesus for the love I was missing.  I should have been loving on myself instead of thinking anyone would love me.  I started writing this and reading scripture to heal my heart.  I am not looking for my flame to burn again.  I just want the Lord to allow me to find peace in loving myself.  If you saw yourself in anything here, then start right now to love yourself.  That's right. Look in the mirror and repeat over and over how much you love yourself.  I love to read my Bible and I encourage you to do the same. Your flame doesn't need to go out.  Rejoice in the wonders the Lord has for your life. Don't let any man or anyone put your flame out.